February, I’m breaking up with you

Sebastien Dahl's photostream on flickr

Dear February,

28 days ago, I decided to reflect about you, in one way or another, every day. Over the course of the past four weeks, I have somehow managed to eek out something about you every evening, regardless of how immature, disorganized, excited, or stressed it might have been.

I have learned that I have mixed feelings about how much of myself I share in this place. While writing about my daily life once a week feels liberating and creative, actually writing about my daily life every day frankly feels self-absorbed. About the time I figured that out, I started posting things like this. I’m torn between knowing that a good project takes a lot of hard work, and remembering that I think some of my best posts come out of a naturally born, wellspring desire to express myself.

Being a perfectionist when it comes to writing and the understanding of ideas, I don’t like haphazardly throwing up posts like this one. On one hand, I know that learning emerges from the process of working out ideas. On the other hand, it feels far too vulnerable sometimes to expose a not-yet-formed me to, at times, strangers. This anonymous internet in which you reside, February, is a much more rocky place than I anticipated.

Perhaps at the heart of our differences is my own lack of decision about what I want this blog to be. Is it a place for me to reflect, theologically, on where I am in a post-seminary world? Or is it my online space to write about my ever-evolving domestic activities? Do I want to share my political and religious views in this space? And yet, how can I not, when they are so fundamentally related to what I consider to be my way of practicing just living? Is this a platform for me to project my hopes and my fears out into the world? And if so, am I willing to accept the consequences of what that might mean in a public domain?

Someday, February, you and I might just work out in the long haul. There were things I really liked about you: you were playful, you were exciting, and you forced me to really try to consciously make sense at least one thing that happened to me every day. But for now, we have to go back to how it was before I met you. I’m not ready yet for this kind of commitment. We gave it a good try, and I really feel like I’ve learned a lot from you.

Thanks for everything. Perhaps we’ll meet again someday.

Love,
Alison

PS: February, these are some of the most memorable times I think we’ve had together:

My favorite February post

The February post I wish I hadn’t written

The silliest February post

My most serious February post

Cutest post (duh, this one has a cat in it)

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2 Comments on “February, I’m breaking up with you”

  1. Leslie Kruempel says:

    In this respect, I’m sad February is over. :(

    I liked your recap, but I want to disagree with you on “The February Post I wish I hadn’t written.” That post was *my* favorite (can you tell by my ridiculously long comment?). It was thought-provoking and inspired me to define and communicate my thoughts on a subject important to me. Plus it led to a great conversation at our dinner the other night. And a great conversation with my mom in the car the other day. And I liked hearing Morgan’s point of view, and getting Marc’s essay recommendation.

    So, while I understand why it felt problematic to you after the fact, know that it inspired a lot of good thought and discussion at least in my own life (and who knows…maybe someone else’s too).

  2. Alison says:

    Leslie, your comment encourages me to keep blundering my way into the blogosphere! I have to say, I’m surprised that my post the other day engendered so much thinking on your part.

    I wonder if I am far too attached to perfectionism when expressing myself in writing. Why am I so afraid to be wrong? Perhaps it’s a good thing to allow one’s thoughts to splay out every which way for the sake of honing one’s position.

    This also means I need to respond to people’s thoughtful comments… like yours… which also means I need to not be so emotionally exhausted by blogging. Which leads me back to not posting every day. We’ll see. Maybe after a little break, I’ll challenge myself again… but to every other day. ;)


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