It’s been nearly seven months since I last wrote on this blog. One thing, far more than anything else, far more powerful than I realized, has been keeping me from posting here: Fear.
My God, was it ever overwhelming to realize that something I wrote resonated with so many of you. I’ve always written just really for myself, as a way of processing emotions and ideas and notions and hopes and so on. When so many of you responded, in such strong ways, I became just a bit paralyzed.
First of all, where does one go from such a post? What if the next thing I wrote was absolute bunk? Every time I sat down to write about something that I cared about, I hated the words that emerged on the screen. They felt so flat, so pointless.
I worried, too. I worried that I would be too shallow (I am SO NOT below posting multiple photos of my cat here), or too political (because I didn’t mention it in my post on Newtown, but I DO have very strong opinions about gun laws, gun violence, and gun control), or too religious (I am an ordained minister, after all) or that my writing would just be plain bad.
All these things served to quiet this space into such a painful silence. Because I do have things to say, and I do want to share them. And more than that, you all deserve my deepest thanks. And I should have said thank you a long time ago.
Last December, I wrote about a deep, deep sorrow I felt, and your responses taught me that I was not alone in my grief. The kind and beautiful ways you all responded helped me to heal – that is, as much as one does heal from such a tragedy. (After all, at some point, we simply pick up and move about with our scars within us and trailing behind us. Because life is life, and it is for the living.)
So this is what I’ve decided. I’m going to start writing here again, or at least I’m going to try. Sometimes I might be really silly and post a picture of my cat, and sometimes I might mention that I think Stand Your Ground gun laws are absolute shit, and sometimes I (clearly) might curse (despite being a minister), and sometimes I might talk about God. Worst of all, sometimes the writing might be bad.
But this space is about connecting, and before all of you came along it was also about simply expressing myself. So, you are welcome here if you want to be. Thank you for spending a little time in my little corner of the internet. Hopefully I’ll have something relevant to say again soon.
#1. it’s old and filled with churches.
#2. it’s beautiful.
#3. In Mexico, you get to eat hot dogs for breakfast.
#4.MEXICANS LOVE MARY, TOO!
inspired by my most lovely friend Christy, a probably-not-so-exhaustive list of things that got me through 2009, following, of course, the love and support of friends and family:
Running my first race ever, the Bucktown 5k, with my good friend Lid.
Little Miss Lucali (the cat): Obsessive cat-lady post forthcoming.
Correspondingly, Lucali pizza, aka some of the best ‘za in Brooklyn.
Overwhelming support from friends here, on FB, and Twitter when my parents left my childhood home.
A gorgeous vintage Coach briefcase to help me get through the workdays.
An amazing job, for which I feel so fortunate, to help me get through the workdays.
The status achieved of having a “Master of Divinity” attached to my name.
Completing a Master’s thesis I’m proud of (summarized here).
Learning to make bo ssam, falafel, soft-shell crab, sushi, new york style pizza, and other delicacies with amazing friends.
Maine, San Sebastien, Bilbao, Barcelona, Hachenburg, Morningside Heights, Fort Greene.
Claremont Ave and Reinhold Niebuhr Place.
Holding hands on the bus-ride leaving New York.
things in life are going pretty well right now. there is a possibility for it all crashing down, but until then, here’s a list of things i’m happy about and thankful for:
1) first trader joe’s check is officially deposited into bank account. *relief*
2) gossip girl and glee. ESPECIALLY glee. i seem to have a natural affinity for tv shows beginning with ‘g’ (let us not forget the continuing obsession with gilmore girls…)
3) TWO amazing interviews for what is essentially my (post-sem entry-level) dream job (in minnesota). faith-based advocacy at the minnesota legislature? a salary that means i can pay off my loans and live somewhere and eat and even maybe get a haircut AND from time to time go out to eat? a job that utilizes my degree and is intellectually and spiritually stimulating? damn. I’LL TAKE IT. (now can you just offer it to me? please?)
4) dinner with other post-sem unionites tuesday night. a huge breath of crisp, fresh, lovely air, omfg. conversation included: poor lost coco the cocker spaniel, suburban epicopal churches, evaluation of minneapolis, the gay nineties, young ministers in the tc, missing (and not-so-much missing) union… it sounds maybe just like a normal evening with friends. but to me, it felt like this: